just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
