I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
