for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
