I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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