I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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