woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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