Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
