Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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