My sheets look like a crime scene.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
