It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
