My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can't put those talents on a resume
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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