Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
