I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
