I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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