He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
