I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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