I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
