I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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