remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
