He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
