DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
