Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
