i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
