Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
