i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize