we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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