So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
