I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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