I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
