Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
That's how pantless uber rides happen
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
