My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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