Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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