My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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