Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
soo... how was my night?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
