I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
