plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
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He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
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I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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