***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
