"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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