Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
