I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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