Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
