i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
