my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
