I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
COCAINE IS GR8
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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