I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
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Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
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American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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