you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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