we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
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The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
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I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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