More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
