I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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