Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
