the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
