I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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