How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
