The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
