The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
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I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
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If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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