theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I want to fling myself into the sun
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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