I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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