Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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