My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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