The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
