I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
