i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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