now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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